Coronavirus Panic Guide 101

Okay, people. It got serious. All of a sudden and with no one’s fault, coronavirus made in China now got imported all over the world. Doctors would probably be happy to google, but… Oops, this virus just didn’t exist before. So that leaves us in a slightly weird position where we have to figure it out by ourselves. Again. In light of all of the recent developments, we here at LIVEfeed decided to stand up and face the issue head-on. I mean, how can you blame people for buying an extra roll of toilet paper? Or two? Or three? Heck, if we find it in stock, we might as well buy all of them. But, seriously – you asked, we delivered. Here’s your Coronavirus Panic Guide 101.

#1. Get yourselves a mask already!

In fact, if you can find any – buy two, three, four, five – heck, as many as they’ll let you (please don’t use firearms). Why is a mask so important? Simple: protection. It can protect you from anything – from bugs to viruses. Corona is not an exception! And it doesn’t even matter what kind of mask this is. If you have anything attached to your face that covers your nose and mouth, you should be good. So if all masks are out of stock within a 200-mile radius, do not panic – get yourself a scarf and use it. If you want to make sure the virus wouldn’t get you – do not breathe. Hold it.

#2. Accumulate wealth. Accumulate hand sanitizer.

Long gone are the days when $1 travel size bottles were proudly put on the shelves. Long gone are the days when the cashiers politely asked you, “Wanna buy a hand sanitizer today?” We’ve recently calculated: hand sanitizer now actually equals gold. So, get it together – go to the dark web and buy one of those already. Don’t even bother with looking at the sticker – it does not matter what’s in there. As long as it says “sanitizer” – you should be good. Even if it’s got only two drops of alcohol instead of a minimum of 60%, it’s still fine. Way better than washing your hands anyways.

There’s also an opinion that if you use it instead of body lotion, it’ll decrease your chances of confronting the virus by 50%. Rash, irritation, itching, dry skin, and eczema are a couple of possible side effects. Not important, though.

#3. Get your sh*t together. Stack up your toilet paper.

Lots of people laugh at those who buy too much of it. We don’t. We actually find it smart. After all, when more and more people have to work from home, they do not have immediate, convenient access to the public toilet paper any longer, so the home use surges. In fact, it surges so dramatically that we owe it to ourselves to stack up. More toilet paper = less worry and stress. Less worry and stress = stronger immune system. Stronger immune system = no virus… Right?

#4. Isolate yourself from people.

I mean, ideally any people, to make sure. If you live in a family, your best bet is to leave them too. The nearest forest preserve might be a decent option. If you happen to get on a train next to a dude who looked just fine, but then all of a sudden started sneezing – head straight to the emergency brake and pull it. The train cannot keep moving further when the virus is on board. Wait, are you sure he’s not sneezing because of the hand sanitizer you put on?

Positive sides to the coronavirus pandemic

#1. If you’re a student, you can now legitimately skip school and even get sympathy for it.

#2. If you’ve always wanted to go to Europe and see the world, now it’s your time. The prices are at an all-time low – you can even fly there in a private jet! Or, almost private.

#3. If you’re pathologically late everywhere – now you always have a legitimate excuse for EVERY occasion, including your taxes! No one would even dare to question you any more. And if someone does, just remind them: coronavirus is out there; people are crazy.

If you feel we have missed anything in this guide, click on “Report News” to add your ideas directly through our LIVEfeed. Share this guide with your friends and family, but please do not copy – we take copyright seriously.

P.S. If you know where the hand sanitizer and toilet paper are still in stock, please send us a private email. Cheers!

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